Previous dating disasters - Never, Ever date your driving instructor.

As soon as it started i stalled. Literally. It was my first driving lesson and I'm sure we can all safely say we have been there.

Its a shame though that i can't remember my driving instructors name considering from the moment we began talking we hit it off. He was 15 years my senior which didn't faze me at the time and our first date was probably one of the most romantic I've ever been on.

He let me drive but wouldn't tell me where we were going. Instead he directed me to a secret location. "You'll love it" he says. "Its the place i come to think, its like being in a different world when you are there". Although i didn't doubt we would have a lovely time together, i grew extremely sceptical the further into the deep dark woods we drove, chatting about what we did and didn't have in common and debating which brand of ice cream was the best - Hagen Daas or Ben & Jerry's?

After driving for about half an hour i was wondering if the cynical side of my mind was right. That i WAS going to end up in the boot of an abandoned car in the middle of god knows where. My over active imagination reeling together with my inpatients must have been noticeable because.. "Don't look so worried, we are nearly there. Its just round this corner".

I was expecting a clearing in the middle of the woods, maybe even more heathland in which we would take a walk in, and although not unromantic is pretty average from the way he was speaking. So image my surprise when the woodland parted to reveal a stunning shingle beach on the gorgeous Suffolk coastline. We spent the rest of the afternoon here, still chattering and eventually head for a drink in a nearby pub, completely lost in conversation.

The next day was spent with a second date planned that night and huge smile slapped on my face with my head in the clouds, dreaming of being once again swept off my feet to another unexpected and beautiful place later on in the evening.

So again it was a surprise when we ended up in a local pub, one which i didn't particularly like, surrounded by people i didn't particularly like while he played on the fruit machine. But I suppose you cant have all of the romance all of the time but even so bought another round and eventually feigned tiredness and left. I received an apology and we continued incur very large and ever growing phone bills.

After a couple of days of non stop sickeningly sweet texting cuter than This kitten video, we eventually meet up again and the romance continues. We watch a film, he buys me Hagen Daas (although i prefer Ben and Jerry's) and when i go home i realise i might just be ready to jump in head first.

And this is where it all goes wrong. After a couple of busy days of very little contact and quite alot of working our conversation picks up again... well on his part anyway.

Man - "Hey Ani, i just wanted to let you know how much i miss you and I've hated not hearing from you for a few days. I hope you are OK and make sure you text me back soon xxx"

Man - Hey hey, hope everything is alright, just checking you got my last text???? xxxx"

Voicemail - Hey its me again. Just wondering if everything is OK between us? at least give me a call and let me know if its not OK. Please? OK, I'll speak to you soon, bye.. bye".

Ani - Hey sorry i haven't got back to you I've been working all day. Nice to hear that you miss me :) how was your day? x

Man - "Thank god, i thought id freaked you out and you weren't talking to me, phew :) My day has been fine, not really done much except think of you xx Do you like poetry?"

I'm showering. 10 Min's later....

Man - "Hello?? you there?"

One missed call

Ani - "sorry i was in the shower. To be honest i don't really like poems, they just seem a bit odd to me :) I'm guessing you do though :P"

Man - "well i wrote one for you, do you want me to send it to you anyway?"

Missed call

Man - "Ah ill send it to you anyway. I wrote it about our night together the other night, i hope you like it [Insert terrible poem about me, single beaches, boats, asphalt, Here]

I text him back a couple of hours later, after multiple missed calls and text saying "HELLO??? DID YOU LIKE MY POEMXXXX" saying i thought he was a bit over keen and didn't really listen to me.

Man - "That's alright i wasn't too serious about it all considering we haven't been seeing each other more than a week".

Not sure what he considers to be not too serious but he has definitely put me off dating anyone more than 10 years older than myself.

And the ice cream debate? I ended up opting for Baskin Robbins in the end... much better ice cream all round.

Previous dating disasters - The Hockey player instalment 3

.... the abrupt end.

I put the end of our rocky relationship down to crossed wires on hindsight, but at the time i thought it was clear as day.

We met in the pub for our last time, after having not seen each other or spoken for the last 2 months. He had a new job and seemed to be doing well, i was considering moving away and as far as i was concerned whatever we had was over.

As we were chatting i mentioned that i had a date with someone, who was - god forbid - taking me to the cinema. I hate the cinema and am pretty aware its the most anti-social form of date anyone can go on, however agreed anyway.

Mike started getting pretty narky after the mention of this. The more our conversation progressed the more criticizing and snappy towards me he became. It got pretty heated and eventually he snapped, demanding to know why i wouldn't go to the cinema with him when he had asked me.

I snapped back.

"I DO have the cinema" i said, "but this is an opportunity i can't pass up. Firstly, an all expenses paid visit to the cinema and secondly, i really want to see this film. Who knows, i might even end up liking the guy."

"My brother was right about you. Girls like you are a complete head fuck."

And with that, he stood up, walked out of the pub and i never saw or heard from him again. He even took me off his Facebook, which as far as I'm aware in this day and age, is one giant middle finger.

The Breakfast Date.

Good evening my beauties and happy Friday.

In keeping with mixing things up a bit in the dating world by breaking unconventional dating habit's i bring you The breakfast date.

It happens tomorrow morning and i would like some advice from the reader to make it go as smoothly as possible. Firstly i have no idea where to go. McDonald's springs to mind and i am certain you can guess the outcome of such a thought.

Secondly, has anyone here ever dated in the morning (Not including the morning after of course).. Do we continue into lunchtime if said date is going well? And what happens in between? I need ideas, advice and opinion.

I would also like any suggestions of unconventional dates i could spring upon unsuspecting love interests. Dinner and drinks is just far too easy and somewhat mediocre now. I feel dating life has hit a wall of sheer monotony and to be honest trying to eat gracefully in front of someone new has become fairly tedious.

Please leave a note in the suggestions box on your way past. Your donation of thought means alot to me.

Ani xxx

The things i dislike about him

Its no secret that I'm a serial dater and there is a good reason for that. I'm also extremely picky when it comes to committing myself to someone for a lengthy period of time and due to this, friends have branded me commitment phobic.

So when my friend Nicole went through the list of guys from the past year and a half alone, and my reasons for disliking them, i have compiled a *Ahem* short list of said men and my reasons.

We start at the beginning of the year with...

Pub landlord boy - Nice, good looking, great in the sack. But he was so arrogant that when acquaintances from the town i lived in at the time found out about us i got everything from dirty looks in the street, to lectures about what an arrogant w*nker he was. Not worth the hassle. And they say love conquers all?

Danny boy - nice enough but not passionate enough about me. Didn't seem to care much when i broke it off. I later found out he was pretty hurt, punched a hole in his bedroom door.

The bearded wonder - Probably the only gent I've been genuinely interested in for a long time. Just one little problem... It was me or the beard unfortunately. The beard won, then there was a very complicated few dates, before i decided i wanted to be with him and he decided to move on. Honestly gutted about my pickyness in this situation.

Raver boy - got along like a house on fire. Met him when i was drunk, still thought he was cute on the first date which was a bonus. Then he started to laugh - it was a combination of a hillbilly and a hyena. Which was unfortunate. For him.

James - Too jealous. Were only ever friends for a long time and never actually dated or anything else but hugged. Crunch time came for me when he said he wanted to jump over the bar and kick the crap out of a guy i was talking to for making a harmless comment.

DI Nick Angel - anyone who has seen the film "Hot Fuzz" with know why this is the nickname. Again i got on really well with this guy, loved hearing every detail of his working life as an officer of the Law. I find crime fascinating. After a month the conversation and complete and utter devotion to his working life was too much to take and i let it fizzle out. When he wasn't talking about the Met he would bore me with darts. I pretty much know Mervyn King's life story off by heart.

and last but most certainly not least

The driving instructor - you will hear more about this one in my Dating Disasters series. Yes i did date my driving instructor. He was 15 years my senior, recently divorced with a 3 year old child. After our second date he wrote me a poem. After asking me if i like poems. I said No. He said he would send one anyway. He did. It felt Creepy.

and i wonder why I'm single?

30 Love?

This morning i took my man-meeting experiments to unusual teritory and decided to nip off to the indoor Tennis courts out of town to practice my awful backhand (would play outdoors, but i reside in the south of England.)

As i'm swinging away batyting balls all over the place somebody behind me says "excuse me, you look like you could use a few tips, if you dont mind me mentioning"

My heart flutters at the sound of his voice, a posh, Gentlemanly English. This is it, I'm about to meet my very own Peter Peter Colt, Tim Hennman, Andy Murray... ok maybe not him, but you get the idea.

now my mind is running away with me, i think i may have stood there for at least 30 seconds before i turn around and what a sight awaits me.

Shapely calfs, strong tennis player arms, the bluest eyes i have ever seen, accentuated by his wrinkled face, grey hair and baldspot.

Trying to hide my dissappointment i chat to him anyway and get a few tips on what i thought was actually a pretty good serve. Find out he is a tennis coach, plan to take a few lessons with him.

I have a Hit with him (He won) and when my time is up decide to shower and head to the bar.

Its mostly parents with kids on saturday mornings but i decided to have a drink anyway and get chatting to the barmaid, Michelle, who seems very friendly, welcoming and extremely confident. If nothing at least i will have made a new friend. We swap numbers and agree we must have a Hit soon. Next saturday in fact.

Dating on the courts? So far unsuccessful.

EDIT: Shortly after posting this update i recieved a text from Michelle Which reads:

"Hi Ani it's Michelle from the Tennis centre. I'm just going to get straight to the point with this, i would love to take you out for dinner some time. I think you are gorgeous and i'd really like to get to know you some more. Can't wait to see you again, Shell xxx


OK then. I've politely replied informing her that i am in fact very straight, but thank you for the flattery anyway.

Was not expecting that.

Previous dating disasters - The Hockey player instalment No 2

Shocking that I'm even on a date number 2 with Mike, seeing as things didn't really going all that smoothly first time round.

We drive a good few miles out of the city to a beautiful village restaurant situated by the riverside.
According to him its a family favorite (his family being quite well off and favouring classy and beautiful restaurants, my family favouring McDonald's, Fish and Chips, Indian etc) And to be honest I'm quite impressed.

We are handed our menu's, i get to choose the wine, which they also let me taste before i buy, something I'm really not used to. Happily chatting away, not really reading the menu when the waitress comes over and holds out what appears to be a basket of assorted breads. I stare at her for what feels like an hour, then slowly turn to Mike and say "What do i do with it?"

Everyone around me is rather amused obviously. To this day i still cant grasp the concept of bread and oil pre dinner.

Once we've ordered and i see that he has decided to order oysters while i was off at the ladies. Never tried them, Never really heard much about them so i just went for it.

For the next 5 Minutes i sat there, oyster on tongue making "mmm mm MMMMMMmmm" noises, thinking that Mike may offer a little assistance seeing as i couldn't bring myself to swallow the thing, and being a post restaurant they only had very VERY posh looking cloth napkins available. Realising that if i don't do something now i might throw up, i run outside and spit it out onto the pavement much to the disgust of other customers.

I'd like to say this is where my story ends but oh no. Not by a long shot.

After near downing a glass of wine our main course arrives. And there sits in front of me and entire Fish. Eyes, Bones, Scales, you name a Fish part and it was there, looking up at me sorrowfully from my plate.

Me- "oh my god, you brought me a whole fish?"

Mike - "What did you expect?"

Me - "Something a little more battered, a little less looking at me with its eye!"

I didn't end up eating alot of the fish, or alot of my dinner after the Oyster incident anyway. I think i may have ended up consuming more bone than anything. To top it all off on the way out we hear the waitresses gossiping about how uncultured i apparently am and having a good old laugh at my expense.

I haven't been back there to this day. But STILL managed to get a date number 3 out of it all.

Ani x

Because you're mine, I walk the line.

Having a random clear out of old bits of paper and I've found a scrap describing the only man i will ever fall in love with. This was composed 6 months ago with a friend, and fueled by 3 huge bottles of lambrini.... yes, i know. Bad times

His name will be Joaquin.

He will have one green eye and one blue.

He will have a pet husky, with one green eye and one blue who looks like him, if he were to become a dog.

He will Sing and play Guitar just like Johnny Cash, and i will be his June Carter, and we will tour the UK together. No World together. No wait... Wait... UNIVERSE together.

Will grow just the right amount of hair, including facial and pubic.

His parents will be Giants so big that they can both hold my hands and swing me in between them like my parents used to do when i was 5.

He will be a better chef than Gordon Ramsay.

Be able to make scented candles and grow roses in the space of 5 minutes and 32 seconds.


I think i might have set my standards way above the line, never mind walking the line, or walking near the line for that matter.

Just thought I'd share it with you all. It still amuses me to this day

The False eyelash experiment.

Being the super cool party animal that I am, last night I decided to pull pretty much an all nighter. We smoked, we drank, we danced until the early hours, I survived an early shift at work on a mere 2 hours sleep.

I also decided to try out wearing false eyelashes. Yes really. Surprisingly didn’t look like a drag queen and even in my hammered state they stayed glued to my eyes instead of crawling further and further down my face to eventually end the night as a Mustachio. But HOW girls wear these things every day is beyond me. It felt like having someone else’s eyes on for the night.

Readers will also be pleased to know that I managed to waggle myself a date out of it as well. A bit of an experiment on my part however.

I find it difficult to get on with let alone go out with any Man under the age of 25. I most definitely prefer the more mature gentleman, and have a thing about middle-aged silver foxes (hence my unexplainable crush on my older, married boss… ahem.) although I can assure you I do have my limitations.

Dan is the same age as me at 22, which means this could go one of 2 ways… Horrible disaster resulting in probably comical blog OR [censored due to adult themes]

Watch this space!

Me x

Previous dating disasters - The Hockey player instalment No 1

This particular series of disastrous dates i will have to tell you about in 4 instalments as we did, surprisingly, continue to date after this one, and the next and the next.

As I'm sure you have guessed none of them went particularly well.

The first time i met Mike i was working behind the bar at my local Hockey club.
It was my 3rd week, Saturday, and as usual the boys had come in Post-match to celebrate another win. He and his brother were both introduced to me, and god was his brother good liking. From that day forward i couldn't take my eyes off James.

But somehow me and Mike end up getting to know each other and find ourselves on our first date. The location is a lovely country pub for dinner and wine. All goes well and I'm actually glad i decided to take the plunge and date a nice guy instead of an attractive one for a change.

He invites me back to his for more wine and fun, i accept, marvel at his beautiful book collection and we continue to have a lovely time.

I don't know why exactly, because they look nothing alike, but as i go in for the 'This is it! The First Kiss' moment i say "Oh James, I'm having such a lovely evening"

Now if you were paying any attention earlier you will realise that James is his brother. Smooth move. He is obviously not at all happy, while i find this absolutely Hilarious, manage to throw red wine over me, him and the bedsheets and near enough choke to death.

He storms out of the room and i don't see him for the next 10 minutes. During that time I've composed myself and started rifling through his book collection.

For some reason, he comes back into the room with a bottle of wine, apologises to ME and we continue the evening as if nothing has happened.

So to summarise the events i call him by his hot brothers name, ruin his white shirt and expensive bedsheets and pull more than a few of his books off numerous shelves leaving a big mess.

And somehow i still manage to get a second date out of it.

To be Continued...

Just when i thought i was getting the hang of young adulthood..

Today i have a new flatmate moving in with me. Alas, no more walking around in nothing but a t-shirt and knickers..

In preparation for her arrival I've been running around like a mad woman bleaching, scrubbing, hoovering, (which makes me sound like a complete pig but actually, i tend to keep a tidy house) and cake making.

After about an hours worth of bleach fumes i decide to give up and have a cuppa tea and a slice of toast while waiting for the most delicious coffee cake in the world to cool.
Unfortunately it takes a lot for me to concentrate on doing one thing before another and before i know it, I'm distracted by the tea stained white cups my mother oh so kindly bought me. What if she wants a cup of tea while she unpacks? Oh no, what if someone is coming to help her? oh I'll scrub another couple just in case..

When I'm finished i turn around and the Toast is on fire. Before i can do anything about it the fire alarm starts wailing, waking everyone else in the residence up. The fire brigade turn up (the only perk of this mornings events) with a very angry residence manager who has had to drive 20 minutes across city to switch the alarms off.

Happy Sunday!


.........bugger this. I'm off to the pub.


Ani x

Dating doesnt work for a girl like me A.K.A The shortest date ever.

Note to self - If you are going to go on a date with someone who offers to take you to a Weatherspoons pub, one which you used to work in no less, it will probably end horribly.

18:00 - It's all going well and i feel fantastic. I met Ian randomly in a pub not far from me while on a casual night out with the girls.

I Put on some nice light make up, flat shoes - playing it safe, want to look like i can still walk after the first couple of rums - pretty dress, hop in a taxi and hop out again outside a beautiful classy brasserie where he is waiting, one of the finest in the city in fact.

"oh nice I've never been here before, I've heard its lovely, what a place for a first date" i exclaim.

After a moment of awkward silence Ian tells me that actually, he was planning to take me to the weatherspoons just around the corner, on the way there mumbling something about the credit crunch and an office workers salary.

I tell him not to worry. After all its not about the place you go to its about the person you are with.

18:15 we get there, order our drinks and make a few minutes of small talk before another awkward silence sets in. It's a fairly busy evening and the noise and crowds feel like they are closing in on us. Over walks Andy, a gent who i haven't seen in a good few years. Has the social skills of a nervous spotty virgin and if i remember rightly a tendency to stalk most women he meets. He makes a terrible attempt at flirting for about 10 minutes as Ian sits awkwardly staring into his drink.

18:25 -When i finally get him to sod off Ian is already taking a phone call. It sounds pretty serious and he starts wandering around nervously.

Something must be seriously wrong because when Andy finally ambles off, he starts moaning "oh god" and wiping his had over his face in despair, telling whoever it is on the other end of the phone that he will be there as soon as he can.

18:35 -Or he would have done if he had got through the sentence before his phone started ringing anyway. The table of 8 sat next to us watches on, by this point laughing hysterically at his foolishness. I decide that enough is enough and head to the bar to say hello and goodbye to my ex colleagues, leaving Ian to be further humiliated as he finishes his drink.

18:45 - Needless to say i wasn't all that flattered although quite amused by the evening events. As i walk up the road towards the lovely brasserie for a large glass of comfort i hear the screeching of tyres and a horn sounding. There's Ian, standing in the middle of the road flailing his arms about and shouting apologies at a very angry driver.

What did i learn tonight? Never assume anything about the night ahead.

Getting to know you, Getting to know myself.

This year when it comes to answering the big question at midnight, "What are your new years resolutions for 2010?" My answer will be to continue doing the things that make me happy.

I enjoy smoking. Allot. I love the way it feels when in inhale and exhale. I Love it even more when i have a glass of wine in my hand on a Friday night out with my friends. And the best thing about smoking is at the end of the day, when i get home from work and i have my first cigarette of the day it makes me feel like all is right with the world. Sure I'm not a full time smoker. I Don't wake up in the morning and have to, Need to have a cigarette to get me through the day. But it is my non-guilty pleasure which i may, or may not one day give up.

Spending money. I'm a financial nightmare. I'm not in debt and never will be. I make it impossible for myself by not borrowing money. The money i have is the money I've got to last me for the month and if I've spent it all before the next pay day so what? I enjoy indulging in nice things. I like being in the city shopping or sitting in a nice cafe, walking anywhere and everywhere. Most of all i like to be surrounded by people weather i know them or not. I don't like spending time on my own, i want to be out there meeting people and getting to know them. I like dipping in and out of other peoples worlds and seeing how they live. I like to think I'm never
bored and if i think I'm bored I'll walk somewhere, or I'll get on a train and see where i end up.
I've been living by this rule only for a few months, but in those last few months life has been so much better and so much more rewarding.

The only thing that would make this life any more perfect than it is right now is someone to share it with. I've been single for far to long. I've become the "friend we can set up with our friend Ben from the office. You will love him, he is just so funny!". I hate being single, hate it with a passion, but that doesn't mean i want to be set up with that guy, or that every attractive man i meet i want to jump into a relationship with. But i would like a relationship. A Grown up relationship with flowers and chocolates and sweet, sickening romance.

But other than that, honestly? i wouldn't change my life for the world right now or on the 1st of January 2010. Because the dangerous, unhealthy things we do are the things that make me the happiest.

Welcome to my life. Ani x